I have come to realize that what my ideal body weight, size and image is, may not actually be what is best for me, or my natural weight. I don’t particularly like this, because that means that I may not reach my goal, and well, that really sucks. But I’m not going to get hung up on it anymore, because quite frankly it’s not worth it to me. I know I am at a perfectly healthy weight, I eat healthy foods, I am darn strong (I climb effing mountains for crying out loud! BIG ONES), happy and really do like what I see in the mirror. (90% of the time.) So why the hell have I been making myself feel like I haven’t been successful because I’ve fallen a few pounds short of my ‘ideal’ weight? Really, my ideal weight was a number I pulled out of the air because it seemed like a good number at the time.
I really have been working on changing my mentality about the scale, and my hang ups with it. And I keep having this same thought: If it’s taking this much effort to get off a few measly extra pounds, it’s going to be that much easier to gain them back. I mean really, I know what to do to lose weight (um, hello 55 pounds which have been removed from my body), and I’ve been doing it, and doing it hard. And yes, the scale moves down, at the rate of about a quarter of a pound a week. Fantastic! I know, I know..the last few pounds are the hardest. But the thing is, I really don’t care that much. I think I’m at a point where I’m doing it because everyone knows I don’t like not reaching my goals.
Because here’s the thing, there are many, many people out there who weight a lot less than I do who are healthy, and many, many people who weight less than I do who are definitely not healthy. The same can be said for people who are heavier than I am. And at the end of day I have come to realize being happy and healthy (emphasis on happy) is way more important than fitting into my ‘skinny size’ (the unworn 3/4’s the closet). So what if I never wear those jeans out because well.. I don’t do muffin top or anything else that might hang over the tops of my jeans? I guess I will just give them away, because keeping things in my closet which will always be my ‘Sigh. I wish I could fit into those. I guess I have to wear these 6’s instead’ pants is definitely not good for this girls’ self esteem. So while I might want to be wearing the 4’s, my body likes the 6’s, so who the hell am I to argue with it?
I just finished reading Unbearable Lightness (You know, the book I have been impatiently waiting the arrival of.. and the reason I have been MIA for the past couple days.. Can’t apologize, it was so worth it!!!) and while I have had a switch in my mentality and have been for the most part self accepting for the past couple months, reading this book, and the struggles Portia de Rossi went through with herself, were hitting pretty damn close to home for this girl, and if I’m honest I stopped reading a few times because I felt like I was reading something I myself would have written. I have to say that it made me feel extremely happy to know that other people have had eating disorder struggles, bad body image and the whole shebang, and have been able to overcome them (for the most part!) and move on beyond the scale and sizes and all that bullshit and get back to being happy and healthy. Or, learning how to be happy and healthy.
So keep this in mind when you’re beating yourself up over the size of your jeans: Your body knows best. If the scale keeps bouncing up to 140 (160, or whatever the hell it stays nicely at), chances are it’s where you’re meant to be. So accept it, and get on with living your life.